Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
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Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[the middle of showering] I need a break
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth