{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
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Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.