Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
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Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Wednesday
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.