My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
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the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
The funk soul brother
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.