I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.