“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
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I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Choose your fighter
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.