husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
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[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
doing some research
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me