The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
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My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk