Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
A small tragedy.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Alexa: *deep breath*
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that