Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Life hack
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?