Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
You Might Also Like
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
pep talk
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.