[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
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“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Grandmother clock.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.