Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
You Might Also Like
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
this FaceApp is creepy af