My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
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9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!