I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
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I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I am patiently waiting for your email
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork