“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
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ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I hope they boil the right one.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.