Had a spot of bother earlier.
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Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…