genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
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[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.