Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
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Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
This is amazing.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Doctors texting each other.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.