Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
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I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.