No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
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Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong