“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
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“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
12. I think about this all the damn time
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.