[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.