I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
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[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My zodiac sign is pistachio
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?