My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
You Might Also Like
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.