Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
You Might Also Like
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?