Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
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When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours