It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
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If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”