“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
same vibe as tangled headphones
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!