Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
You Might Also Like
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
How to find Kentucky on a map
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.