When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I have a black belt in leather
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies