so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
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What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know