A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
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Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom