[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
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Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Seek kebab; not attention
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.