If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
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Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Choose your fighter
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS