My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
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By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?