Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
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I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Good morning.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*