Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
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Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
🖤✌🏽
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
When he asks for feet pics
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.