her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
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I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy