Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
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One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*