Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
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I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.