Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test