Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
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*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex