Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
The best shot in the history of golf
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…