kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
You Might Also Like
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day