To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you š„°š„°š„°
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If youāre smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: itās an important doorknob
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree thatās way worse
I falcon love using swear birds
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair šµ
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
āWeāve been trying to reach you regarding your carās expired warrantyā
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insuranceā¦ we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because heās 3. So Iām having 36.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper Iād send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, Iād be like oh the file mustāve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I mustāve done it 50 times?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wifeās way of saying āSheās your dogā without saying a word.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if heād still love me if I was a worm.