Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
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My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille