Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
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Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”