Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
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Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
For the orator and chef in all of us
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.