Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
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Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Accurate
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Why is this me 😫
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.